Cobra Commander And The Debt Crisis
by Red Witch
Summary: Just when you thought the economic troubles of the world couldn't get any worse...


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gone into debt. Along with the country. The current financial crisis inspired this little bit from my brain. **

**Cobra Commander and the Debt Crisis**

"Greetings Citizens of the United States of America," Cobra Commander hissed. "This is Cobra Commander, leader of Cobra. And soon the ruler of your country!"

"Impossible you think?" Cobra Commander mocked. "Inconceivable that one such as I would take over your once proud and mighty country without a single shot? You believe GI Joe will stop me and rescue you? Rescue you from **what?** The failure of your government? The solution to your housing and unemployment crisis? The best hope you have for your country to regain its status as a world power and to be feared and respected?"

"Let's think this out rationally shall we?" Cobra Commander purred. "Your government has failed you. They have spent more money than a bored rich housewife and racked up a debt larger than any spoiled teenage daughter could ever hope to accomplish. Your leaders have brought your country to the poorhouse! Scratch that, you can't even **afford **the poorhouse!"

"And have your leaders spent your hard earned tax dollars wisely? No! They spent it on giving billions of dollars to personal projects that do nothing but put more money in their war chests! Billions more to wealthy companies that not only do not need it, but have brought the entire economy to ruin! As a result your dollar's value has dropped lower than the value of Beanie Babies without any tags!"

"To those of you who still have not **completely **grasped the situation you are now in let me explain one more time. I've seen reports of math test scores decline over the years so I know some of you are a little slow on the uptake and I have to repeat myself," Cobra Commander sighed. "Your government, the people who you have elected into office…Have spent so much money there was no more of it, so they put it on a big credit card. Then they spent more so they raised the limit of that credit card. And then they spent more and more and…You see where this is going?"

"And what does this mean for you the American taxpayer? What will happen to you when the country defaults?" Cobra Commander held up an egg. "Allow me to demonstrate. This is your money, your home and personal finances. Your nest egg as it is. This is your money, your home and personal finances **after** the country defaults!"

Cobra Commander then smashed the egg onto a table and then dramatically threw what was left of it into a trash can. "Any questions?" He wiped his hands with a towel.

"To put it simply, a lot of things will come to a halt," Cobra Commander explained. "Gradually paychecks from the government like Social Security and Medicare would come to a halt. Parks and other government buildings would shut down. Congress would barely do any work…Okay that last one there's no real change."

"The bottom line is that since your leaders are handling this crisis with the effectiveness of squabbling preschoolers, your time is up! It's time to pay the piper!" Cobra Commander said. "And by the piper I mean **me!** COBRA! We control all your debts so that we now control your government! HA! Cobra will run the country the way it should be run! Cobra will rule!"

"Or we would if we weren't **already** broke," Torch sighed as he stood behind Cobra Commander.

"Aw let him have his moment," Monkeywrench remarked.

"Cobra demands all the money that the government owes us!" Cobra Commander went on.

"So we can pay all the bills to all the **other guys** we owe money to," Torch remarked.

"We are the ones you owe money to so Cobra will be in charge of all your finances! All your manufacturing will be done by Cobra! All your goods will be made by Cobra!" Cobra Commander went on. "All your paychecks will soon come from Cobra!"

"I think China already beat you to it, Commander," Torch said.

"Will you just **shut up?"** Cobra Commander shouted.

"Commander are you making fake demands in the bathroom mirror **again?**" Destro sighed as he walked up to his leader.

Indeed Cobra Commander was standing in front of a bathroom mirror. "Can't a guy have a little **privacy** around here?" He snapped.

"Dude you have the hidden camera in the bathroom mirror on!" Torch pointed to the mirror. "I know that because that red light bulb is on!"

"I like to practice for the future! Okay?" Cobra Commander snapped. "You know intimidating speeches and threatening demands made to world leaders don't just happen by themselves you know? You need to practice and review just to make sure you have the right amount of malice in your tone!"

"Come on Commander," Destro sighed. "Let's go to your study and have a nice warm brandy shall we?"

"It's not fair! It's just not **fair!**" Cobra Commander wailed. "I have the United States Government just where I want them and I can't do anything about it! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!"

"I know my Dear Cobra Commander," Destro patted his leader on the back. "I know…"

"For decades I've worked tirelessly to undermine the American dollar and to throw the country into ruin!" Cobra Commander wailed. "I've plotted and I've schemed and I've worked and slaved…Well I've made others into my slaves to do my work….But you get the idea! I did everything I could to ruin America and its economy!"

"And yet you couldn't do it half as well as the United States' own politicians," Torch remarked. "Talk about irony."

"It would have been perfect!" Cobra Commander wailed. "I could have been in charge of the whole bloody country! If only Cobra hadn't gone broke at the same time as everyone else! Think about it Destro! I could have made the Joes become parking garage attendants or something!"

"I know Commander I know…" Destro led him away from the mirror. "Let's go have that brandy now."

"Make it a double!" Cobra Commander moaned as they left the bathroom.

"Cor, I thought he'd never leave," Torch grumbled. "I gotta use the john."

"Don't forget mate, the camera is still on," Monkeywrench pointed out.

"I know. I figure if I say something funny while I'm on the can I can put it on the Internet and everyone can watch me!" Torch said.

"Oh no!" Destro stormed in and went to turn off the camera. "The last thing we need is more crap on the Internet! The irony is if more people watched the news and their bottom dollar than some moron's bottom we wouldn't be in this mess!"


End file.
